I started to cry today for the first time in 2 months. Yep todays marks 2 months since baby M was born and I didnt realize it would hit me as hard as it has. Besides the fact that it just doesnt seem like any situation is working out for us lately. It all came to a head today.
Today I had those feelings of- what if it never happens? What if we never find our baby R? I am not really sure what would happen. I guess I would go on with life with a small peice of my heart missing. I love my boys more than life itself so I know they would keep my smile strong. They are my rocks and the funniest thing is they dont even know it.
I really needed to clean the nursery today, it had been awhile since I had been in there and I knew it needed a dusting and a vaccum. When I walked in I got a little sad and wondered as I was folding one of the blankets, "will I ever use this." What would I do with that room if it never happens? I put that nursery together 8 months ago! WOW! 8 months ago I was so positive and excited and thought I would be hearing coos and cries from that room very soon. Here I was cleaning a room that no one goes in and I felt a bit silly, but I cleaned it and walked out closing the door behind me.
I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. We are all entitled to our sad days of feeling that it will never happen for us. This journey has definitely been a roller coaster. One minute I feel like we will have our baby before Christmas and the next minute I feel like I need to think about what I will do with the nursery when we realize we will never be placed with a baby. I will hold my boys extra tight today and be so thankful for what I have right now.
Recent Placement--So Hard. So Wonderful.
2 years ago
So sorry you are having a rough day. I remember those days when I just had to shut the door. We had our nursery set up for 2 years and 1 month before we learned about Isabel. We even moved during that time. That was the worst ever, packing the nursery that had never been used. I know I cried as I did that.
ReplyDeleteYour day will come. You will hold your little girl. Don't give up. Hold onto hope and know that tomorrow will be one day closer to your little R.
I can definitely relate to the way you're feeling. We all go through these times of uncertainty, but in the end, you will have the most perfect baby girl that was meant for your family and you'll look back and see how everything fell into place. I know it's hard to see that now, but believe me, it will happen. We also had our nursery ready for a very long time before we were able to use it. We also kept the door closed most of the time. Don't give up hope, your little girl will come to you at the most unexpected, but most perfect time.
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