Hate to post this!

I have been dreading getting on here, not that many people follow my blog but because I am writing words that I truly didnt think I would be writing. As you know we were leaving for an induction scheduled for 24th. We left on the 22nd, arrived on the 23rd (10.5 hours of driving). When we arrived in TN we went to pick up bmom and took her, her sister, and her son to dinner. We then went to the hospital, checked her in, got her settled. They began giving her dialation pills. We sat with her that night until 11PM. We arrived back at the hospital around 10AM on the 24th. We sat with the birth mom that morning. She delivered her baby at 12:44PM, myself and our adoption coordinator held her hand the entire time. I witnesses my first miracle, a baby being born. You may be thinking, I thought she had kids? I do but had c-sections with both....I had never witnessed a vaginal birth. What a beautiful thing to be apart of. I watched baby girl be brought into this world and I cut the cord. How incredible. I was crying like a baby and continued to hold the hand of our bmom, I looked at her like she was my hero. She looked at me with tears and said "please send me pictures, I said are you kidding, you are apart of our family now." Bmom didnt want to take care of the baby in fear it would be too hard. So she asked that we take over, I was the first to hold her, feed her, watch her get a bath, change her diaper. It was incredible. BMom asked to be released from the hospital that night, unusual we knew but thought if that is what she wanted than so be it. She left, my husband and I were given a room at the hospital and kept the baby all night. I cant even begin to tell you how much I bonded with that little girl over night. I kept looking at her wanting to memorize her face. Did I think this could possibly not work out, of course i did but I couldnt help but still have a great deal of hope. Why would a bmom let us take care of her this whole time if she wasnt going to follow through. I watched her lips open when she was sleeping, I watched her little hand constantly sneak out of her blanket to get to her face. She loved her passie, I spent 1 hour from 3:30-4:30 constantly sticking it back in because her cute little hand kept coming out of her blanket and hitting it out of her mouth. I feed her 3 times that night. I changed her diaper, and at 4:30 I sat with the nurse and talked to her about adoption and how excited we were. She was perfect. The next morning we got up and held her, fed her, showered, etc. I couldnt stop stearing at her. Our dreams had come true. The time was coming quickly, 12 noon the bmom was supposed to come to the hospital to start signing papers. At 12:20 a woman walks in to tell us that *A was there and she had changed her mind. My world was all of a sudden crashing down. I couldnt think, speak, all I could do was cry. Cry like I had never cried before. I fell into my husband's arms as our adoption coordinator ran out of the room. We were all shocked. About 3 minutes later the nurse came in to say those dreaded words, "she wants the baby now" I couldn't look up but could hear the baby being rolled out and I knew I would never see her again. I had dressed her in a beautiful outfit so that she could see her mom before papers were signed. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. I was mortified.
I immediately wanted out of the hospital. We packed up and left. I couldnt even see straight. I cried in the arms of our adoption coordinator and she cried with me. We just couldnt believe it. I wanted to get out of that state and quickly, I think my husband felt the same way. We began driving that day back home.
We returned home today and I started to cry just seeing my house. I wasnt supposed to be home this early. I wasnt supposed to be coming in to look at an empty nursery. I immediately closed the door to the nursery after putting her suitcase in the room. I knew I had to open to suitcase because there were 3 hats and one outfit she wore that I had to wash. I opened the suitcase and could smell her right away. The hats smelled just like her, the outfit smelt just like her. I sat there holding back tears. I havent been able to part with two hats, one is beside my bed and one is still sitting on top of the washer, for some reason I just cant let go yet.
So what to do now? I can tell you one thing, I have never wanted a baby as much as I do now. If I ever wondered for a second, and I did, if I could love an adoptive baby as much as I love my biological children, the answer is HELL YES. I feel as if I have had a baby die. I dont want to do anything. It takes all my energy to just get up and walk across the room. My first reaction after we found out was to give up, I couldnt go through this again. My heart hurts too bad. What is going to keep my going is knowing that I will have her one day.
The weirdest thing about this whole adventure is that I never kissed her, I never called her Reagan, and I never called myself mommy. Was that god telling me this wasnt her? Was that my own wall of protection not letting me fall too much? I am not sure but I feel like it was someone trying to tell me something. As much as I thought she was Reagan, she must not have been. My husband said to me, "It wasnt her, she is out there somewhere."
My prayer for today:
Lord please give me strength. Please also give strength to the birth mom as I know that she made an adoption plan because of the not so great life she had. I know that there is a lesson in this and I will see it when the hurt begins to heal. I trust in you and know you will bring us to our baby.